Monday, December 25, 2006

sometimes just wish that parents could be better readers of their kids moods. i mean like really doesnt help if the kid is already feeling not to good den u come in rambling about the things they didnt do and ought to do.

anyway. i m listening to relient k. i love the lyrics, they arent that direct but they have loads of meaning. hu says christians songs need to be full of the word Jesus in it. for me, its all about the annointing and the presence i feel and the amount of self thought it induces. i bought the cds at first for u, den i loved the music so i bought it for myself. i rmb at that time we were still best frens, and its like at that point of time it was great cus i had nothing to hide, i could even invite u to my place to help me paint stuff and my parents didnt mind, i guess at that time i was truly happy cus i knew that i had someone hu was always there for me and i could always be there for, and cus i wasnt tangled up in anything i got tangled up in over the last 9 months, when we were both so spiritually strong, we just loved talking about God, 9 months down the road, i feel like i m living each day getting pissed at myself, somehow, the material blessings i get dun seem to mean that much anymore, each day just becomes a search for me, a search to find that part of me that was lost somewhere after PAE, sometimes the walk down this seemingly endless road seems so frustrating, sometimes, i think getting off the road might find me a short cut but i get it only takes me on a short term adventure, den i get lost, i get cut by branches and pricked by torns and i find myself on the road again, stinking and figgin dirty. once in awhile, i look around, and i just wonder if Your still there for me, have i just becomed a liability in ur kingdom. if only i fell in love with you 24 months later.

guess its regret about the things i have done in this 24 months and not really the regret of falling in love. i just wish something more den conviction would bud from the depths of my soul, i just wish i could makea decision and did not just include the mathematical possiblities of fulfilling it but one of the heart, one of the mind, one that i m sure i can truly live for and live out ...

no friends for christmas, i just hoped the person i invited out later doesnt ps me. even so, as i think and think and think, wheres my conclusion, just wish that i had someone to talk sense into me, redirect my perspectives, without scolding me, without unwittingly putting me down, i guess that the only person hu used to do that i cant talk to, the other one is seemingly too busy and besides she has everyone else to care for, the last one slid backwards. God i have no one but You, i know Your there, just that i cant find You....

nic tan ... where do we go from here ...

|cowpoo| 12:22 PM|

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